December 21, 2007

to be honest...

山下翔央, Yamashita Shoon, Ya-Ya-yah
These days there are moments when I feel as if I’m going crazy. I feel as if I’m at a party and there’s a huge hole in the floor, right in the middle of the room, and everybody acts as if it’s not really there and they smile and laugh, yet they avoid it carefully every time they go near it.

The party is JE, the people at the party are the juniors, HSJ, Koyama, Nakamaru..., and the hole is the absence of Ya-Ya-yah.

I study everybody’s faces, looking for a sign that they’ve noticed the hole, but their faces don’t give away much. Sometimes I think I see something, but then I wonder if it’s not just me, imagining they’re actually bothered by the hole when perhaps they’re all okay with it being there and ignoring it.

I’m not crazy, dammit, the hole is there. I try to be positive, and I don’t want to say these things because I know they don’t lead anywhere and I don’t want to bring anybody down, but they are screaming inside of me and I need to shout them out or I’ll really go crazy.

I miss Ya-Ya-yah. I miss Taiyô. I miss seeing Shoon every week or every two weeks at least. I miss his voice. I miss seeing him more than a few seconds on Shounen Club. I miss the Ya-Ya-yah show. I miss Ya-Ya-yah photoshoots in the mags. I miss Ya-Ya-yah in Shounen Club. I miss having something to look forward to every week.

I miss visiting Happy Town as often as I did before. I feel bad when I do visit it, because it hurts to see only HSJ stuff there now. It also hurts to think that maybe Fiona hasn’t taken down the Ya3 banner, the members names, and change the icons on the BBS to HSBest icons because she hasn’t had time to revamp the site completely.

I felt sad that she didn’t mention the fact that Taiyô had left JE.

I feel sad when I check my LJ friends page and I see an entry by Kamichan —which used to thrill me— and don’t feel that much like visiting because now most of his posts are HSJ-related and there’s the HSJ headers and stuff. [Sorry, Kamichan. m(_ _)m I still do visit, as you know, because I enjoy reading your posts, because you always have the latest news, because I like reading people’s comments to your posts, because it’s become a habit for me to visit, and even if sometimes there’s this slight pang in my chest and we disagree on many things, I do visit, and I’ll keep on visiting.]

I felt sad too when Luma updated the info page of the Ya3 comm with the recent changes. [I know you had to; it’s just me being in denial.]

I feel depressed for how unmotivated to reply I am when I visit Chinese forums to get Yabu and Hikaru scans. You have to reply on the corresponding thread to get the scans, and now it’s HSJ scans I almost have to force myself to reply.

I feel weird when I edit the HSJ scans to leave only the Yabu and Hikaru pictures.

It feels like a failure when I realize that not many people want to take part in the contests I organize and not many people vote either. I suppose most people are busy with real life or just not interested. I’m silly for putting my heart into things like that, and I think this year will be the last. Next year, if I’m still around and I have spare clippings, I’ll just give them away directly to friends or anybody who wants them. I should focus on the things I’m neglecting, like finishing the stories I started writing some time ago, instead of devoting so much time to the fandom. I do it because it’s fun, but I end up feeling a bit like an idiot, like somebody who organizes a party and only a handful of people show up. However, you still hold the party anyway, because you’re very thankful to them for coming. =]

I feel bad for not being the slightest bit interested in the Hi! Hey! Say! show when Yabu and Hikaru are there. I feel bad for not wanting to watch the HSB performances.

I feel bad for being so bitter deep down for what has happened to Ya-Ya-yah that I find fault in everything JE, HSJ, and even HSB do.

I feel mad at JE when I listen to Ya3 songs on my mp3 player. Why did they do this? How could they do this?

I feel hesitant about when will it be the right time to post old Ya3 performances at my blog. People felt depressed when Yui posted translations of Ya3 articles filled with “member ai”, so perhaps it’s too soon for that yet.

I feel awkward after posting a long entry on which I poured my heart like I did on Shoon’s birthday. I worry you’ll think “gosh, can she get any cheesier? *roll eyes*” or “does she really believe anybody is actually going to read all that?”. I also worry when my posts seem too fangirly to me, or when I realize they’re not that informative, that it’s mostly me ranting or gushing on this and that, and being as passionate as I am, I often too worry that sometimes maybe I go to the extremes.

I feel mean for being —despite my attempts to deny it and understand— a bit bitter towards those in the fandom who have moved on. I want to ask them badly if HSJ has filled the Ya-Ya-yah void for them. Not in a vindictive way, but out of curiosity. JE fandom is so depressing and empty for me right now, that I wonder if it’s just me, and for most everyody else it’s still fun and exciting. Of late many times I feel like giving up.

I feel mean too for wanting the HHS show to have poor audience rates, and for wishing it will rain cats and dogs tomorrow at the HSJ debut concert. The owner of a Japanese fanblog I read was worrying a few days ago that it might rain that day, and something evil in me made me think: “I hope it will”. Yes, you can laugh at how childish I am if you want. That’s Irea for you: passionate, childish, and honest.

You know? I feel somewhat better after typing all this. I guess I really needed to be honest and let all this out.

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