March 25, 2010

life in the void

山下翔央, Yamashita Shoon, Ya-Ya-yah
More and more I feel as if I were living in a void inside the fandom. However, unlike in Lord of the Rings, there IS life in the void. It's slightly different and strange sometimes, but there is life. There's a kind of madness floating around in the void too, which is like a living entity, and it's hard to escape from it. It pervades everything and gets into your lungs and ends up flowing through your veins. Sometimes the void is a bit suffocating, other times it's so silent that all you can hear is your own thoughts, and there are other times when you find a strange fascination in watching life outside the void from the vantage point of a detached spectator.

There's madness in asking yourself questions to which you will never get an answer, questions that probably only matter to you and those living in their own voids too, those who visit you and whom you visit. There's madness in remembering, in all the things you find yourself missing, and in all the things you realize you'll never do again.

I still ask myself, for instance, when did Yabu, Hikaru, Shoon and Taiyô know that Ya-Ya-yah was doomed, when did they know the show was coming to an end. I find myself analyzing their facial expressions when I rewatch the last shows, when I look at their pictures in the last magazine photoshoots. It doesn't matter now, and it just feels like torturing myself, but somehow I can't help it. I don't know why I do it. I keep on trying to pinpoint the time when Shoon left the agency, I wonder how long has he been 'gone', perhaps without me noticing. My latest theory is that he might have left on the exact date of his 9th anniversary in Johnny's (January 21st of this year). It would make sense, wouldn't it? They might have a contract that is to be renewed yearly. Taiyô's anniversary was in October 6th, and he disappeared practically after HSJ's debut, in September of 2007.

It reminds me of a friend of mine who, after breaking up with her longtime boyfriend, right before they were about to marry, spent several months going through the same questions over and over in her head: why didn't things work, when did they start having problems, did he ever truly love her... It's madness that leads nowhere, but for some reason you can't escape it. Maybe it's part of the healing process; maybe it's necessary.

The madness in remembering... It's so amazing how the smallest things can remind you of a person! A few days ago I went out for a walk, and I was surprised to see the first signs of Spring already: the flowering plum trees are in bloom. They're not real plum trees because they don't bear fruits, but the flowers are just as beautiful: snowy white or soft pink. When I saw the flowers on their branches I thought of Shoon because it reminded me of the episode in which Hikaru, Shoon and Massu made bread and stuffed a few flower petals in each loaf. (2007.08.11 Ya-Ya-yah show) Shoon was the one who went to pick the flowers, and I always remember that when I first saw that episode I thought it was just fitting because flowers are pretty and Shoon is pretty and, um... I'm mushy, okay? XD;;;

So yes, it seems that every where I go there's something that reminds me of Shoon these days, be it flowers or the post office.

The madness in all the things you find yourself missing, and all the things you realize you'll never do again... There's such a long list of these! On Tuesdays, of course, the day on which Hyakushiki airs, there's always something missing. On the first couple of weeks after Shoon disappeared, out of habit, I'd automatically check J-Net to stare at the page blankly the next second, when I realized his name would never pop up there again. A few days ago I came across a Shokura report on my LiveJournal friends-page, and I felt the same sting of jealousy I feel everytime, remembering the times when I excitedly checked those reports even to just find out there would be a few seconds of Shoon in the closing medley. I feel sad when I think there will be no more new articles of Shoon to look forward to every month. Even creating the 100shikiTV community was so hard to do. Making choices, changes, saying goodbye to things you've been doing for 4 years... it's strangely difficult for this being just fandom. Sometimes I wish I wouldn't feel so strongly about every little thing, but then, if I didn't, I wouldn't be me.

I think I'm making progress though. I've started a series of posts about Shoon's history at the Shoon comm, and I plan on doing the same here with Ya-Ya-yah. I've also started -finally- a certain big, ambitious Ya-Ya-yah multi-chaptered fic project which I'll soon be sharing with you all, and I'm determined to leave behind the sadness. Just yesterday I changed the framed picture of Shoon I have at my 'office' at home. I still love the one I had before, because Shoon looks in it like the perfect knight (and resembles so much the mental image I have of the protagonist of my epic fantasy novel), but he is so serious in that picture. So I changed it to one in which he's smiling brightly and placed the frame on my desk so I can look at it whenever I feel down. It's working wonders!

I have this stubborn belief that I can turn the void into a livable place, that maybe I can push the madness outside of it or at least hone it into something different, something useful. You can make blackened silver shine again by polishing it, the stories in books come to life when you start reading, a tune can take you back to a past time while you listen to it. Then why shouldn't I be able to survive here, in the void?

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