March 09, 2010

where to now?

山下翔央, Yamashita Shoon, Ya-Ya-yah
Where to now? - 今どこへ?翔央くんへ、
今どこへ? 翔央くんは今勉強に集中しますか。違うタレント事務所に入所しますか。今はおそらくあなたの夢の旅をしているでしょう。どんな事をしても、幸せな将来であるよう、願っています。あなたがいなくなると、とても寂しくなります。どうぞお元気で。輝きつづけて下さい。大好き。私はこれからもブログを書き続けるわ。このブログを通して、翔央くんとYa-Ya-yahが忘れられないように努めますよ。

[Dear Shoon: Where to now? Will you focus on your studies now? Will you join another talent agency? Perhaps now you will be able to go on that dream journey. Whatever you do, I wish you all the best in the future. I will miss you very much. Please take care and keep on shining. I love you. As for me, I will continue blogging, and through this blog I will try not to let you nor Ya-Ya-yah be forgotten. Yours, Irea]

'Where to now?' is a question that I too am asking myself right now. For 4 years Shoon has been the North to which the needle of my compass pointed, and now he's disappeared the needle has gone crazy, spinning around and around, not settling on one direction.

I think it keeps searching for him. Last night something odd happened. I had gotten into bed, turned off the light, and grabbed my alarm clock to check if the alarm was on. When I pressed the light button the clock face read "12:20", the date of Shoon's birthday (December 20th), and probably it's just a coincidence, except that my clock is never set on the 12 hour mode, but on the 24 hour mode, so it should have read "00:20". I suppose I accidentally changed the time setting the day before when I set the alarm, but it brought Shoon to my mind... like so many things do. And that's not a bad thing at all. It's pleasant to think of him and conjure up his smile on my mind.

I don't know if I'm on a rollercoaster mood or I'm doing better. Just a couple of days ago I was feeling down and googled up his name, trying to find some news about him -any news- and got a little frantic when I didn't find any, and today I feel calm, as though he was, somehow, here with me. Friends are also helping me so much to cope with this. Thank you all. I love you. Hopefully this current mood will hold. I don't want to go depressive again. I feel so lucky that Shoon passed through my life. He has had such an influence on me and has been such a huge inspiration too. I want to honour that.

Thing is that I know where the needle of my compass should point to, and probably the best way of honouring all Shoon has given me would be to focus on the course I set myself last year and continue sailing in that direction until I get there. In the past year I've made such big progress. Shoon's example made me want to keep on fighting, and when I was tired or down watching him on Hyakushiki would comfort me and make me forget about my worries for a while. Now I'm sad, but I know I can rely on myself to toughen up and look at things from another perspective, and I can still draw strength from the memory of Shoon. The other day I came across this quote: Immature love says 'I love you because I need you'. Mature love says 'I need you because I love you', and realization dawned on me. There was a time when I held onto certain people and things in my life because I needed them, like a child needs their mother, but now I've learned to cherish them without becoming dependent on them.

That's why for this post I've chosen the clip below, which is a song from the anime series Tenkuu no Escaflowne, which is one of my favourites (both the song and the series, actually). Shoon would have made such an awesome Van Fanel in a drama version of it. *sigh* I think it's the perfect parting song because it conveys the unavoidable pain but also reflects this idea of 'mature love' (which incidentally Shoon talked about in his last Duet article as well - such a beautiful interview).

PS: Thanks everyone for your comments! *hugs everybody and wanders off to reply them*
PS2: I've been thinking that I don't like the word 'quit' at all for Shoon. 'Quit' sounds like 'give up', and that clashes frontally with Shoon's motto: 諦めないで! (akiramenaide! - don't give up!). I'd rather say he decided to leave.
PS3: I just took this silly test called 'Are you a blogaholic?', and I'm glad I can say I only scored 40/100. This is the 'diagnosis' I got: You are a casual weblogger. You only blog when you have nothing better to do, which is not very often. There's nothing wrong with that. But if you'd post a little more often, you'd make your readers very happy. LOL I'd rather say I only blog when I have something worthwhile to say.

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